I'm going to jail i love you
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize