Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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