Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
