Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
