allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you made out with another girl for some wings
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
