Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Another day, another engagement, another cat
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
