A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
