your parents love me but you hate me
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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