Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
