My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I wish I only lived at night.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
