I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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