Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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