i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
then he tried to convert me to islam
This is the high leading the old right now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
