We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize