the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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