woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
