Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
