Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
