i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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