Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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