You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
