I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's never too late to be topless.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Randomize
