There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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