There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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