I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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