Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
