Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
