True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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