Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i think i just lost a toe
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize