His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
