just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
