another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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