he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
