OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize