I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
