we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
