I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
