and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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