Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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