I think im going to throw up on grandma
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
