just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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