Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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