You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
