You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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