i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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