I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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