I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
