My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
