6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
