When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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