Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
