Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize