I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
