In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
