If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
