I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
