Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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